fear A feeling of agitation and anxiety caused by the presence or imminence of danger.
A state or condition marked by this feeling: living in fear.
We fear what we do not know. I have a constant thirst for new knowledge and experiences; I fear not knowing. Lately, I have been petrified.
I left Vancouver the last week of September. In BC, I was getting news from home that my dad was sick, he had lost over 100 pounds since July and that he had fallen twice; once he had lain on the floor for several hours because he was home by himself, and the other he fell down the stairs and had to be carried up by my brothers. I tried to get more information – it sounded like he was at death’s door, and no one was trying to find out why. I would have insisted he go to the hospital when he fell. I would have been asking doctors myself why they weren’t doing anything. I wasn’t able to get info from anyone else. What was even more distressing is I was getting this information from a nurse, who I would have expected to have all sorts of alarms going off in her head over what she was relaying to me.
I ran out of money in BC, funds that were owed to me (final paycheck, rent deposit refund, state tax return) did not come. I was looking for jobs and trying to find out what was happening with my finances. The news about dad was too much. So instead of going to Seattle, I came home. I wanted to see my father for myself.
The bus ride home was a blur. My longest layover was 45 minutes; there was nothing to distract my thoughts for two days. I just worried. I jumped bus in Indianapolis, because I was routed to go to Louisville, then Cincinnati to arrive in Dayton. I had them reroute me direct to Dayton because I was losing my mind and couldn’t face another 6 hours on that bus. When I arrived in Dayton, my dad was the one who had come to pick me up. I was so relieved! But that is where the relief ended. He had lost weight, about 75 lbs., and was weak, but was not the bedridden invalid I had expected. I asked him about the falls – he said they were exaggerated. He was on the floor about 15 minutes for the one, and the other he had fallen at the top of the steps & my brother helped him stand up.
The doctors still did not know what was causing his chronic diarrhea and inability to eat anything solid. Then they found the ‘mass’. It was strangling his small intestine and not allowing food to pass. He also had gallstones. The next few weeks were filled with doctor’s appointments to make sure he could survive surgery, and searching for foods he could eat to keep up his strength.
After the operation, the surgeon came in to talk to the family. It was like a series of body blows – Level 4 colon cancer, larger than we thought, couldn’t get all of it, colostomy…quality of life. After the first few sentences I couldn’t comprehend any more, I was numb. The family has been saying the doctor said this or that; I was there, but cannot verify, I do not know. So now I just listen to what my dad says. I figure he is the best informed of anybody.
He was in Surgical ICU for about a week, then moved to a stepped down care, and is now going through rehabilitation in a nursing home. He is much improved, and has gained a lot of strength back. His personal outlook is positive. We talk about it sometimes when I visit. He knows what he is facing, and is ready for the fight, but says he doesn’t fear death. We don’t dwell on it, though. Usually we play ‘name that tune’ with the musak on the local weather channel, joke & pun (the colostomy bag contributes a wealth of comedic material), and discuss what needs to be done to the house for him to be able to come home. I now have learned how to spackle drywall, and am about to learn how to hang a drop ceiling.
The hardest task is trying to keep peace with my mom. As much as I get along with my dad, I don’t with my mother. My dad and I are a lot alike; my mom I have never understood, and it gets worse the more I try. My dad says she is jealous, my brother says she sees me as an intruder in her house. Whatever the reason, I want to escape.
I have been looking at apartment & job listings on the west coast. Dad has a PET scan to see where the cancer is in two weeks. The following week he will learn what they will be able to do to treat him. Any decisions about what I will do/where I will go next are on hold until then. I want to be available if he needs me. I will leave if he doesn’t. I hate this not knowing.
